Day 16: Battling the Fear of Living

Where did I neglect myself? 

There are seasons in my life where I love my body by eating healthy, not overdoing the sugar and wine, and moving and stretching daily.  There are seasons when I’m out of control with insane behavior, neglecting myself, giving in to every destructive desire, eating beyond being satisfied (gluttony), drinking too much wine, and giving in to laziness and comfort (sloth) or just placing my self-care last on the list because of my busyness.  You would never know this when you look at me. My outside isn’t congruent with the inside when I am in this fallen state. Perhaps I’m deceiving myself as well!

When I’m out of control giving in to destructive desires, I’m practicing insanity and frankly even a form of self-abuse. Sure it can be a lot of fun to have that third glass of wine or dessert, but these incremental steps lead to further bad habits that then start making up the cadence of my daily life. The subtlety of “oh one more won’t hurt” keeps me blind to seeing how far off the rails I’ve gone.  My self-will and insanity seem to take over not leaving space for God’s will. 

During this Lenten season, I’m fasting from my will. I’m sitting in Centering Prayer twenty minutes each day along with meditating on the Litany of Humility. I’m committing to bringing God into my daily activities and decisions which helps me bear the fruit of self-control. These are the simple steps that guide me to surrender and towards a humble heart. This truth allows me to see clearly that my body is a gift and God’s temple which is priceless. Through acceptance, care, and love, I breathe life into it and start being drawn away from the destructive behaviors that tear it apart. I can practice this sanity daily.  Practicing anything will eventually make us pretty good at it. With God’s help I can get pretty good at sanity, too.

Where did I neglect myself? 

Lord, help me face the fears of sane living, fears I tried to hide from while living with insanity. I hand over my unresolved problem behaviors to You. Authentically Yours.

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